Advice — Offbeat Wedding Stationery for Alternative Couples

It's been a fair few months since we gathered to shoot the photographs. Writing this has been on my to-do list all that time, plaguing me. I’d like to say I put it off because I’ve been busy, but in truth I know I’ve been hiding from it. I felt very raw and exposed on the day those photographs were taken and perhaps I’d reached my limit of vulnerability for a while after that.

I’m 35 years old and my own body feels strange to me, like waking up in someone else’s clothes. It’s never not felt like that. It’s an obstacle that stands in my way, a sort of weapon that’s always working against me. My body, and what I think of as ‘me’, aren’t intertwined; they’re two very separate entities. And physical form aside, it's nigh on impossible not to write about myself in a mean way. I do it with such ease - of course with the age-old notion that if I say it first, then nobody else’s judgements can hurt me. I wonder if everyone does this.

With that emotional backdrop set, it’s easy to see why I spent the year I was engaged buying into all the shredding-for-the-wedding nonsense. I thought that slimming down for a wedding day was the done thing, that I had to lose half of my body to be the perfect bride. I went full-whack, gym-twice-a-day hardcore and weighed out all my food, days in advance. Almost as if I wanted to be utterly unrecognizable once the big day came. I did lose a lot of weight, sure. But I also completely lost perspective; I ignored pleas from loved ones, I missed dates with my fiancé… I was a woman on a warpath, with my eyes on the prize and everything else was just noise. I was driven by the relentless ‘truth’ I’d created for myself - How on earth could I be worthy of being a bride, and then a wife, when I looked like that?

In my consistent self-loathing, I actively chose to deny myself experiences that I felt I was not worthy of having. The biggest one, I suppose, was the dress-fitting. I was appalled at the idea that I’d have to squeeze myself into outfits and parade around in front of people, looking atrocious and feeling disgusting. For me, wedding dresses were a certain size and I had to change to fit them. So I just didn’t go to a bridal boutique at all, and ignored the feeling that deep down, I really wanted to.

“Finding the dress and wearing it on your wedding are two equally important dreams.”

- GABRIELLE, SHOOT PRODUCER

I’ve come to accept - albeit reluctantly - that the dresses were there to serve me, and not the other way round. I now have three young children who shadow my every move. I might not have the strength or compassion to be kind to myself but it’s imperative to teach self-love to my kids, and hard as it might be, that starts with setting an example.

I design invites for couples who are getting married, and through my proximity to them I can still feel that occasional loss of perspective and the weight of self-judgment leading up to a wedding day. This is unacceptable - and our psyches aren’t the only thing to blame. The industry is geared up to represent the thin, white, able-bodied, cisgender bride and everything else is often fringe to the point of alternative. I knew that if I was going to be a cheerleader of self-acceptance - whether to my children, engaged couples or anyone else - I needed to be brave and allow myself to experience what I denied myself years ago.

A group of fellow wedding suppliers got together and we created a pop-up bridal studio. In our self-made safe space, well-fitting gowns were important, but equally so were the cakes, biscuits, banners and postcards of affirmations. Gabrielle and Shannen from With Pride Weddings decorated the venue with Mia Sylvia’s beautiful linens, and this gave the space a soft, warm, welcoming feel. In this place I was able to eat, explore the fabrics and designs of the dresses and take my time to process the feelings that came up along the way.

The potentially uncomfortable part - but the most integral to sharing this idea with others - was to let a group of people document it. This part made me feel sick, like taking that original fear of trying on dresses from years ago and super-charging it. Our collective hope was that it would heal some self-inflicted wounds along the way, for all of us. And it did; In fact we all shared war stories about times we’ve treated ourselves unkindly and avoided experiences because we felt we weren’t worthy of better. This supportive soundtrack carried us through the day and bolstered us all as a team.

Back when I got married, I wore some baby blue Converse. Retrospectively, I suppose this was my one act of feeling truly comfortable, free and like myself on my wedding day. Madeleine from Bee and Bones took my original shoes and painted a bespoke design on them for the shoot, taking so much time and care to get it right and make them truly representative of me and my tastes. This was probably the most emotional part of the day, being presented with these. The shoes said to me, ‘It’s ok to celebrate who you are, and not just as a quiet nod’. I felt like they elevated my original little rebellion of self-love into a big sense of pride.

Everyone involved supplied the tools I needed to support me through the day. Body-positive biscuits from Coy Biscuit, affirmation sashes and banners from Oh Squirrel, and the natural, light-touch hair and make up by Flaming Bride all armed me with a steeliness I don’t usually have. I was surrounded by this ‘you can do it’ atmosphere, and I felt like if I couldn’t try those dresses on for me, then at least maybe I could do it for them.

The photos and footage of this day are still hard for me to look at - partly because I’m so vulnerable in them and partly because the love and support I was shown by the rest of the team made my negativity seem so pointless and unnecessary - I felt silly worrying so much. Every person on that team had their own tale to tell. Whether it was why they don’t wear shorts in public, or how they do their make up, or talk about themselves; It really hit home how special and important it was to collectively experience this purposeful and radical act of self-acceptance, self respect and self-love.

Check out the full film by Leesha Williams here on Way Out Wedding.